Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
