the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you inspire me to be a worse person
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
