You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
