Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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