Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
