Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
