you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
