she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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