Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
