when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
