; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
