It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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