After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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