ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
