Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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