i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
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Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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