Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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