; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
