I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
