you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
