the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
