Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
