Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
