dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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