OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
