you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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