I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
