If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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