I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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