I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
