Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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