Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
