So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
