Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
