I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
