I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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