I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
