i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
