I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
