first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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