Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
