its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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