I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
