He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
