I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
