She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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