ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
