Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
