Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I could make wine with my vomit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
