I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
