just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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