I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
