So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
