yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
