This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
