i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
