paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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